Lessons Not Learned

Lessons not learned? How many times in one life, or how many lifetimes does a person have to make the same mistake to finally learn that a elusive lesson?

I apparently need to keep learning it.

When I was 6 years old, I started going to the community center in the little town where I grew up. I saw this cute boy, and developed a crush that summer. We went to different schools. So all school year long I didn't see him, but every summer I did. I became his lil, shadow, stalker. Everyone knew this chubby, fat, lil awkward girl had a crush on him.

Finally Jr. High came around. OMG there is only one Jr High, we finally ended up in school together. I admired from afar. I was always his "Secret Santa", sending him cookies, and gifts. In 8th Grade, I worked in the office, and learn all his personal information. I met him at his locker with his books for his next class...
 His girlfriend just thought I was a freak show. (I was, but didn't know it.) He was always NICE to me. Never a mean word to me, and didn't let his friends say anything mean either.

I even asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, before his girlfriend.. OMG he said yes.

Took him to my favorite Mexican Restaurant, then to the dance. We dance a lot.

I should have known then how things were. Did I learn my lesson? NO.

I went home and cried my heart out. He went over to his girlfriends house.LOL (I can laugh now.)

I learned many thing from during High School, during my Senior year, I went through a bunch of rough personal things, and he was the person I call. He always tried to help talk me back into a better place. But he never lied to me, or told me silly tales about how sweet life was, or ever encouraged my feelings in anyway.

Finally somewhere around the age of 24, he basically shook me into reality and knocked the sense into me.

Friends, Nothing more, nothing less. I needed to understand that and move on. I needed to let go of some childhood romantic notion I had of him.

I haven't seen him since.

He is now happily married, with a step-daughter, and a lovely lil boy.

18 yrs is long time to pine for someone, waiting for them to see you. Granted I had a couple of boyfriends. Lost my virginity, did plenty of dumb things. Some for him, some with him, some to forget him. But nothing was ever for me.


I bundled my heart up. Built walls, so I couldn't be hurt. I don't trust easily in love. It takes a lot.

Here I am again, I have gone and done the same thing again. Even though I worked hard to do things "smart". Be only friends. No lesson was learned from the first time, over three years of friendship, and I go do something dumb and let myself fall in love with someone who isn't interested in me. How blind, how naive, you would think someone my age, and with my experience should know better, and have better skills by now.

Am I destined to keep repeating this in this life? In the next? Have I always had this problem in past live?

Is that why "Forever Amber" intrigues me so much? Loving someone you can't have, yet still having the strength to fight for what you want, and survival.

Love should be mutual, passionate, hopeful. You should be best friends, and want the best for each other, no matter what. Trust, compassion, chemistry, joy, and humor should be in your relationship. Without those building blocks you have nothing. 

So I suppose in the long run, I have learn a bit of something along the way. About myself, about love, and what I want. I won't settle for less than I deserve, so now it is about me.

Blessed be,

Cat